I've sat at my computer just about everyday since my last post trying to figure out what to say. Nothing seems right. I have been down alot lately, and just haven't felt like talking.
I know in my heart that I am making the right decision in choosing adoption. And I also know that I have made the right decision in choosing Deanna and James as his parents. I have to be honest though. Knowing that I have to do this SUCKS!! I think alot of it has to do with the fact that I already have 2 babies and I just don't want them or Axton to hate me for this decision. I know that there is no possible way that I could be the mother that any of my children deserve. I'm having such a hard time now as it is. We are losing our home. This week actually, and we have absolutely no money to move with. I spend everyday praying to God that something amazing will happen so that we don't have to go through this yet again. But so far ... NOTHING.
The past few years have been so very difficult and I'm not real sure how we made it through. But we did. And now it seems that we are headed right back down that road, and I really don't wanna do that. It just seem no matter what we do, we just get knocked right back down. I don't understand why we have to keep going through all these trials. What is God trying to show us? Why haven't we seen it already? Are we just not supposed to be happy? I think we deserve just a bit of happiness.
Now, I'm facing the hardest decision of my life .. ADOPTION. And it seems that a lot of people around me think that I am just being weak. That I could actually parent Axton if I wanted to. It has absolutely nothing to do with me not wanting to. I would love to be able to raise him and give him the life that he deserves but how am I supposed to do that? We are barely making ends meet as it is. By the time he is born, I have no idea where we will be living. That is no way to bring a child into this world. This is in no way an easy thing for me to do. How dare someone tell me that I am being weak! It takes a very STRONG woman to be able to hand her child over to someone else. I haven't done it just yet, but I know that it's not going to be easy.
The one thing putting me a ease a bit, is knowing that the family I have chosen will take extra special care of him. They will love him as though he was their own. He will have everything that he needs and probably alot of what he wants. This is something I know I can't do at the moment.
In closing I just want to say that the feelings that come with placing your child are not always the best feelings. I mean how could they be? You are giving a part of yourself to someone else. To those of you that may be reading this, and trying to figure out what to do ... Just know that you are in no way WEAK you among the strongest of people. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... I know some of us are still waiting on that superwoman cape . =)
Kristy Lee
Kristy,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and read your 3 posts. I found you through Deanna's blog so I know you have now changed your mind about placing with them. I don't know if that means you have chosen a different family or if you have chosen to parent your son. I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you and your little family. I am so sorry - sorry that you are struggling so much financially and that you are already dealing with so much, sorry that you are faced with such hard decisions, and sorry that people (even your own family) has been so hurtful. I know that Heavenly Father loves you, your husband, your two little cuties, and your unborn son. I pray that you will find peace and comfort and know of His will for you and your family. I hope that things will work out so that you don't lose your house, but that if you do then something good will come of that as well. I don't know why life has to be so hard. But I do know some things, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do love you, and you definitely deserve happiness. Don't lose hope. Like I said, I'll be praying for you!