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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Welcome to the World!!

So ... I know it's been a while since I have posted anything.  There has been so much going on and I was without Internet. 

To start with Michael Dean made his appearance into this world on Sept 29, 2011 at 9:34am.  And He was place with his wonderful A-Parents on Oct 1st, 2011 @ 11:01am.  These by far were the hardest 2 days of my life.  We didn't spend as much time with him during the hospital as we would have liked but only because of the fear that we would change our minds.  Don't get me wrong ... Its not that we didn't have second thoughts SEVERAL times .. But in the end we knew that it was for the best no matter how bad it hurt.

Also, Not too long before his birth we decided to change the A-Parents.  Not for any bad reason but they were so far away that I freaked out about never being able to see him.  I don't think that I could handle that.  I can barely afford the gas in my car to get to the gas station much less the gas to get to Arizona.  Don't get me wrong James and Deanna were wonderful people.  It's just wasn't the right thing ya know?

We found a wonderful set of parents right here in our hometown which is so much better.  Their names are Matt and Marie.  They have a son named "Benny"  who is very excited to have a new baby brother. 

Things have not been easy at all since Michael's birth.  I have not been taking it very well.  There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not shed several tears for him.  I wish that things could have been different and that we could have left the hospital with him that day.  But it just wasn't possible.

The pain that I feel at times is super unbearable and it feels like I just can't go on.  There is always that thought in the back of my head that I should have brought him home.  I know that we could have made it work.  But it would have been so tough on not only me and Chris.  But also on Abbi, Aiden, and Michael.  There is no way that I could have juggled 3 kids 2 and under.  That's just too much.

I hope that Michael will always know that his family loves him very much.  I know that his parents will always let him know about us.  I'm struggling a bit with the communication thing at the moment.  It's just so hard to know that they are so excited and so happy.  But then on my end, I'm so depressed and hurt.  He was mine.  If only for 2 days and then he was gone.  That's just hard to deal with.

I never could have imagined this kind of pain before going through this.  It's a feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I know that in time it will get easier to handle.  But I don't see that happening any time soon. 

I will post pics soon ... Have to ask permission.

Always,
Kristy

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