Friday, November 4, 2011

Anger ...

Today is one of those days where I just wake up angry at the world.  Angry with myself, angry with God, and angry with our decision.

I have these days often anymore.  I don't want to get out of the bed.  All I want to do is just sleep the pain away.  Why did this have to happen?  Why do I have to feel such pain?  I find myself asking God what it is that I am supposed to learn from all this but still .. NO ANSWER!!!

I miss "Tiny" so very much, and I know that I didn't spend much time with him while he was on this earth but I spent 9 months getting to know him.  I had the feelings of him moving in the middle of the night.  I got to feel those first hiccups.  I want that back.  I want to go back in time and fix everything.  Make it to where this didn't have to happen.  I know that this is not possible.  But I have yet to figure out how to turn these feelings off. 

And now I have started to get the negative comments.  How could you do that?  You should have parented that Child not just gave him away.  WTF is wrong with people.  So you would rather me have brought him home, where keep in mind I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old, and give him what kind of life?  If you didn't already know diapers and formula are expensive.  And that's just some of what a baby needs.  What about time?  I'm struggling as it is to be able to evenly spread my time out between my other 2 kids.  And 2 very jealous kids at that.  They can't stand me spending time with the other.

I know that what I did was right, but how dare some people to make me feel worse than I already do.  Who do they think they are?  I didn't do this because I didn't love him.  It's quite the opposite actually.  I loved him so much that I made the decision to give him a chance at a decent life. 

Anyway ... Now that I have ranted on and on, I guess I'll go for now.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

"Tiny's" Birthday!!

Trying to think about what to blog about and I'm thinking it should be "Tiny's" BIRTH day story.

Thursday Sept 29th 2011:

Today is the day.  I've had NO sleep.  Going over this decision in my mind a million times.  Is this right?  Are we sure that we can do this?  I was to be induced at 5am.  And as usual I wasn't on time, but just a few minutes late.  Lol.  During the beginning it was just Chris and I.  While the nurse was getting all the machines hooked up and IVs put in, I had to explain to her that this was going to be an adoption.  Little did we know, she was an A-mom herself.  She told us her story and it made things a Lil bit better.  But not completely. My mom showed up at about 6am, right before I was to get my epidural and Pitocin.  During all 3 deliveries I have had both my mom and Chris in the room.  They don't actually get along all too well.  But they are both my rocks and I needed them there.  Chris is the one who will tell the nurse or doc off if I need him too.  Mama is the one that keeps people out of the room.

This delivery didn't take long at all.  I think it was about 8 or 9 when A-Mom and A-Dad showed up.  They greeted me with beautiful flowers that were all my favorites and a goody bag that had the most amazing chocolate ever, along with popcorn and "The Emperors New Groove".  Cool movie by the way ... If you haven't seen it ya need too.  Was not long after they walked out of the room that I knew it was baby time.  2 pushes and he was here at (If I remember correctly) 9:34am.

When I heard that first little cry it broke my heart.  During Delivery the doc asked if I would like him to be placed on my chest right after delivery and I declined.  I regret that a Lil today. :(  I just didn't wanna get too attached.  I know that may sound a Lil weird, but I didn't want it too hurt more than it already did. 

After delivery, My mom left the room so that Chris and I could have a Lil time to spend with "Tiny" before we introduced him to his new family.  We smiled, we laughed, but mostly we cried.  We cried for the things that we would miss.  All of his firsts that we wouldn't be there for.  And then ... It was time.

A-Mom and A-Dad came in to meet their new baby boy.  This to me was heart breaking.  Not because of the parents.  I just wasn't ready and I knew that.  But it was the right thing to do.  We fell in love with his parents and knew that they would be amazing parents to "Tiny" just as they are to their own son "B".  Anywho ... While they were taking their time to get to know him a Lil, I felt jealous.  Jealous because I knew that in 2 days, "Tiny" would be leaving with them and not me.  And then something a Lil weird happened.  His A-mom asked me if it was OK for her to breast feed him.  I was very confused by this.  I had no idea that you could make yourself produce milk.  I did say yes at first.  Eventually I changed my mind ... Mostly because I wanted to be able to feed him while he was in the hospital with us.  I didn't wanna miss anything.

I was to have my tubes tied that same afternoon so I was confined to my room until the surgery.  During this time I had a few visitors.  My A-Counselor showed up to see how I was doing and if everything was still a go.  And to be honest at that point I wasn't so sure anymore.  I wanted to take this Lil man home with me.  Even though I knew it would be super hard.  I wanted him with me.  Also the hospital social worker came by to make sure that things were going the way that I wanted them to go.  And for the most part they were.  A-Mom and A-Dad went home to give us some time with "Tiny".  I had my surgery and the rest of the night was kind of a blur.  I know that we spent a good bit of time getting to know "Tiny".  But that's about all I remember.

September 30th 2011:

I got woke up super early by all the doctor's and Nurse's taking my vitals and giving me meds.  Which super aggravated me.  I don't like to get work up.  I am not a morning person at all.  But finally I was going outside to smoke.  And I know its a bad habit but It was killing me. Lol.  Chris and I went outside to smoke and on our way back up I got a text from A-Mom letting us know that they were there if we needed anything.  I felt a Lil weird around them now.  I just didn't know how to act anymore.  I was in so much pain and they were so happy and excited.  It broke my heart even more.  Chris was to go to probation and really needed someone to take him.  A-Dad did this for him without a problem.  And I thank him for that.  I was supposed to have visitors on this day.  My dad was supposed to show up and I kinda expected my brothers to come see me as well.  Needless to say ... They didn't show up. And that didn't make it any easier.  I needed support and it was like no one was there for me.  When I REALLY needed them.  I did have one visitor though ... My brother's ex-wife.  Not even he could come and see me.  What is that.  But I want her to know that I appreciate her showing up for me.  I will never forget that.  Anywho ... While Chris and A-Dad were gone to probation.  A-mom and I went up to the room and got "Tiny".  I knew that I'd sleep most of the time, so she could have some bonding time with him.  After a while, I was ready to go back outside again and A-mom had some things she needed to take care of at the hospital.  When I finally made it outside there was A-mom bout to go back up the elevator but instead she walked outside with me.  We talked, we laughed, and we both cried about the situation.  It made me a Lil more comfortable with everything.  When Chris and A-dad returned we all sat outside on the lawn in front of the hospital just talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.  During this time my Lil brother texted to check on me ... Which made me forgive him for not coming to see me.  He and I also just texted about everything and nothing.  I called to see if my dad was going to come or not and as usual my phone call was ignored. Go Figure.  I wanted him to come support me so bad.  And I know this to be true, If it weren't for his wife he would have come to see me!  At least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

After A-mom and A-dad left my sister-in-law came to show her support.  When she left Chris and I had a long conversation about what we should do.  Keep him or not??  We thought very hard about keeping him.  What we would name him, how he would turn out.  Just things any normal person would talk about if they weren't considering adoption.  We were very confused on what to do at the end of the night.  We brought "Tiny" into our room and just spent time holding him, talking to him, and praying over the situation.  Asking God to point us in the right direction.  In the end, we knew it was inevitable.  This had to happen.  But it would be OK because his parents weren't going to keep him from us.  They promised!

October 1st 2011 (Placement Day)

This day was not a good day what so ever.  I had so many people coming to talk to me.  And I just wanted this day to be as peaceful as possible.  I guess that was too much to ask.  We got up and as usual went outside to smoke.  We got some of our things out of the car to get ready to be discharged and while we were headed back up stairs I got a text from A-mom again letting us know that they were there if we needed them and also asking if we'd like breakfast.  I knew that I couldn't eat but I made sure that Chris got something.  Lol.  Always looking out for everyone else.

When they came back with breakfast I was doing my make-up trying to at least make myself feel a Lil better.  Needless to say that didn't work and turned out to be a big waste of time.  The A-Parents had things they needed to take care of before placement and I knew I needed to go outside again.  When Chris and I finally made it downstairs ... There they were, His A-parents, their attorney, another attorney, and the witness.  My heart dropped when I stepped off that elevator, and the tears started.  I wasn't ready, I wanted to go back 2 days and spend more time with "Tiny" and a piece of me was still wanting to say NO STOP, I can't do this.  They all went upstairs and Chris and I still went outside.  We talked and talked making sure that this was the right decision.  We cried and said this is what we have to do.  There's no turning back now.  We know that he will have a much better life with them than we could ever give him.  I called my mom and cried with her for a while and then it was time.  I cried the whole way back to the room.  We were joined by an attorney and the Chaplin from the hospital as a witness to sign the papers.  As they were read to us, all I could think was no I can't.  Please God make things work out so i don't have to do this.  Before we signed the very last line, Chris asked to stop and asked that the Chaplin pray with us before we did it.  He did and then we both signed the papers together at the same time.  We were united in this decision.  But now it was over and he belonged to them.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had been crying all morning and now it was worse.  I couldn't handle this ... My son was leaving the hospital today and it wasn't with me.  Honestly, I just wanted to die.  I didn't want to feel this pain.  No one should have to do this.  It was time, It was time for both "Tiny" and I to be discharged.  I held him for a few moments and Chris did as well and that was it.  I was to go home without this Lil man and I knew I wasn't ready.

To Sum It Up:

Yes, we did have our doubts during this whole experience and yes it was a very painful one and still to this day it hurts like hell.  But We know that in the end ... Keeping him would have been selfish.  We can't give him what he needs and we have no doubts that his parents will give him the world and more.  So to them I'd like to say Thank You!!  Thank you for giving this little man a chance at a good life.

Kristy Lee!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Month 1!

Month 1

So … “Tiny” (nickname we gave him in the hospital), Will be a month old in less than a week.  It really still seems like it was just yesterday.  I still catch myself lying in bed at night waiting on that kick.  That could also be because I have been pregnant for so long these past 2 years.  I have spent this past month trying to deal with our decision, trying to remember in my heart that this was the best possible thing for him.  I know that it truly was.  I guess it’s just the selfish side of me rearing its ugly head.  I want to be the one making bottles in the middle of the night, the one who gets to see those smiles while he is sleeping.  How could I not want that? 

But, our life is not the greatest and we are still barely making ends meet as it is.  Having another baby to take care of just would not work.  You still have to sit back and wonder though “what if?”  I think that may have a lil bit to do with why I am still not taking it very well.  He’s the only thing on my mind a lot of the time.  I know that these wounds will someday heal.  I just wish that would happen sooner rather than later. 

Chris and I went away for a week after “Tiny” was born.  Chris had to go down to GA for work training and I was allowed to tag along.  I just wanted to take the time to take it all in and try to figure out where we go from here.  I missed my kids like crazy, but it was a much needed break.  I spent most of my time stuck in the hotel room with nothing to do but think.  This maybe wasn’t the best idea.  I think it was still too early for me to really be alone.  But ya live ya learn.

I have not had a whole bunch of contact with the A-parents during this month.  A few texts here and there and some pictures.  It’s just hard to talk to them.  I can’t explain it.  I don’t know if it’s the jealousy of wanting to have that so bad.  Or still the hurt of knowing what I had to do for him.  I know that they (A-parents) are very excited about having a new baby around and it just feels so weird talking to them.  Not knowing what to say when I’m still so hurt.  I want our adoption to be as open as possible; I just don’t think I’m mentally ready for that just yet.

On another note, I have decided that I am going to go to cosmetology school.  I just figured we went through with the adoption to give “Tiny” a better life, so we should try to better ours too.  I was hoping to start school this month, but it’s really just wasn’t in the cards.  I will get there though.  Chris’s job had now decided that they’re going to be sending him out of town a lot now, and I really don’t like that.  We’ve never had to spend time apart and this weekend it was only for 1 day and 1 night and I swear it about killed me.  I missed him like crazy.  But now they want to send him away for 2 whole weeks.  I have no idea how I’m gonna be able to handle that one. The kids are already hard to handle with 2 parents here.  I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be with it just being me here.  So not looking forward to it at all.

So … to sum it all up, month 1 has not been fun at all. Hopefully it will start to get easier soon.  I don’t sit and cry EVERYDAY now.  But it’s still very often.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about “Tiny”.  But I know that he is being very well taken care of, and that if I need to talk to his A-mom at any point, she will be there.

Until next time …


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Welcome to the World!!

So ... I know it's been a while since I have posted anything.  There has been so much going on and I was without Internet. 

To start with Michael Dean made his appearance into this world on Sept 29, 2011 at 9:34am.  And He was place with his wonderful A-Parents on Oct 1st, 2011 @ 11:01am.  These by far were the hardest 2 days of my life.  We didn't spend as much time with him during the hospital as we would have liked but only because of the fear that we would change our minds.  Don't get me wrong ... Its not that we didn't have second thoughts SEVERAL times .. But in the end we knew that it was for the best no matter how bad it hurt.

Also, Not too long before his birth we decided to change the A-Parents.  Not for any bad reason but they were so far away that I freaked out about never being able to see him.  I don't think that I could handle that.  I can barely afford the gas in my car to get to the gas station much less the gas to get to Arizona.  Don't get me wrong James and Deanna were wonderful people.  It's just wasn't the right thing ya know?

We found a wonderful set of parents right here in our hometown which is so much better.  Their names are Matt and Marie.  They have a son named "Benny"  who is very excited to have a new baby brother. 

Things have not been easy at all since Michael's birth.  I have not been taking it very well.  There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not shed several tears for him.  I wish that things could have been different and that we could have left the hospital with him that day.  But it just wasn't possible.

The pain that I feel at times is super unbearable and it feels like I just can't go on.  There is always that thought in the back of my head that I should have brought him home.  I know that we could have made it work.  But it would have been so tough on not only me and Chris.  But also on Abbi, Aiden, and Michael.  There is no way that I could have juggled 3 kids 2 and under.  That's just too much.

I hope that Michael will always know that his family loves him very much.  I know that his parents will always let him know about us.  I'm struggling a bit with the communication thing at the moment.  It's just so hard to know that they are so excited and so happy.  But then on my end, I'm so depressed and hurt.  He was mine.  If only for 2 days and then he was gone.  That's just hard to deal with.

I never could have imagined this kind of pain before going through this.  It's a feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I know that in time it will get easier to handle.  But I don't see that happening any time soon. 

I will post pics soon ... Have to ask permission.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Weak? I think not!!

I've sat at my computer just about everyday since my last post trying to figure out what to say.  Nothing seems right.  I have been down alot lately, and just haven't felt like talking. 

I know in my heart that I am making the right decision in choosing adoption.  And I also know that I have made the right decision in choosing Deanna and James as his parents.  I have to be honest though.  Knowing that I have to do this SUCKS!!  I think alot of it has to do with the fact that I already have 2 babies and I just don't want them or Axton to hate me for this decision.  I know that there is no possible way that I could be the mother that any of my children deserve.  I'm having such a hard time now as it is.  We are losing our home.  This week actually, and we have absolutely no money to move with.  I spend everyday praying to God that something amazing will happen so that we don't have to go through this yet again.  But so far ... NOTHING. 

The past few years have been so very difficult and I'm not real sure how we made it through. But we did.  And now it seems that we are headed right back down that road, and I really don't wanna do that.  It just seem no matter what we do, we just get knocked right back down.  I don't understand why we have to keep going through all these trials.  What is God trying to show us?  Why haven't we seen it already?  Are we just not supposed to be happy?  I think we deserve just a bit of happiness.

Now, I'm facing the hardest decision of my life .. ADOPTION.  And it seems that a lot of people around me think that I am just being weak.  That I could actually parent Axton if I wanted to.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me not wanting to.  I would love to be able to raise him and give him the life that he deserves but how am I supposed to do that?  We are barely making ends meet as it is.  By the time he is born, I have no idea where we will be living.  That is no way to bring a child into this world.  This is in no way an easy thing for me to do.  How dare someone tell me that I am being weak!  It takes a very STRONG woman to be able to hand her child over to someone else. I haven't done it just yet, but I know that it's not going to be easy. 

The one thing putting me a ease a bit, is knowing that the family I have chosen will take extra special care of him.  They will love him as though he was their own.  He will have everything that he needs and probably alot of what he wants.  This is something I know I can't do at the moment. 

In closing I just want to say that the feelings that come with placing your child are not always the best feelings.  I mean how could they be?  You are giving a part of yourself to someone else.  To those of you that may be reading this, and trying to figure out what to do ... Just know that you are in no way WEAK you among the strongest of people.  Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... I know some of us are still waiting on that superwoman cape .  =)

Kristy Lee

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Life right now ...

OK world bear with me, I am new to this. Lol.

Let's see here .. My name is Kristy. I am happily married and have 2 very beautiful children. There's Abbigail, she is 21 months old and yes she has hit her terrible 2's with a bang. Lol. Then there is Aiden, He is 7 months old and cutting his teeth. So needless to say, I have my hands full. But I love it. They are my life and I couldn't imagine living without them. Also I am 24 weeks pregnant with another lil boy. As you might can imagine, this pregnancy took me a bit by surprise. And honestly scared the crap outta me. I already have 2 very young children and Im pregnant once again.

I considered all the options that were available to me. My first thought honestly was abortion. I knew that I couldn't parent another baby. I already have my hands extremely full. At times I feel like just pulling my hair out and giving up. I looked into the procedures and all that jazz, but in the end I knew that GOD gave me this child for a purpose. I didn't know at the time what that was but I knew in my heart there was no way that I could terminate this pregnancy.

So then I had to consider parenting. Like I said before, I already have my hands full. I feel that if I were to parent this child there is no way in hell (excuse my french) that I could handle it. And while thinking about all of his I am reminded that God never puts more on you than you can handle. Well then what is the reason he gave me this child, he knows very well that I can't handle it. So honestly I started to question my faith. I know this sounds bad, but the past 2 years of my life have been total hell (again, excuse my french). I found myself questioning God. Why did you let this happen? Why me? Even though yes, I know that this was truly our fault for not using better protection but still.

So then there was adoption. I have never actually thought about adoption before. I mean I know we all see it on TV and things like that. But you never really think about it until you are put in that position. So I sat down at my computer every night for weeks looking through all these profiles of families waiting to adopt. Still in the back of my mind thinking, "I could never let someone else have my child". But then one night I came across this one profile that just caught my eye. They were perfect and I knew it. They were big on religion, looked happy, successful, and the plus was that they already had one child with almost the same name as my daughter. So I clicked on the contact us link and sent the email, honestly expecting some sort of automated response from an agency. And the first email I got was automated. So that was a lil discouraging. But when I woke up the next morning there it was. An email from a real person!! I was so stoked!!! And from that day forward we have talked everyday. She has become my best friend and I don't think she knew that until now. :) After several emails I knew that this was the family this baby was meant to be with. They are AMAZING to say the least. So yes, I decided on Adoption. I feel in my heart that this child was not meant to be with me. I do honestly believe that this child was meant for Deanna, James, and Abbe.

I am getting to meet Deanna and her mother this weekend. And I am so excited, but nervous all at the same time. I know that when they get here those fears will subside.

So now that I have rambled about nothing and everything. Lol. I hope to continue this blog sharing my experience with open adoption with the hopes that maybe someone out there will read it and maybe it will help them with their decision.

For now ....