Month 1!

Month 1

So … “Tiny” (nickname we gave him in the hospital), Will be a month old in less than a week.  It really still seems like it was just yesterday.  I still catch myself lying in bed at night waiting on that kick.  That could also be because I have been pregnant for so long these past 2 years.  I have spent this past month trying to deal with our decision, trying to remember in my heart that this was the best possible thing for him.  I know that it truly was.  I guess it’s just the selfish side of me rearing its ugly head.  I want to be the one making bottles in the middle of the night, the one who gets to see those smiles while he is sleeping.  How could I not want that? 

But, our life is not the greatest and we are still barely making ends meet as it is.  Having another baby to take care of just would not work.  You still have to sit back and wonder though “what if?”  I think that may have a lil bit to do with why I am still not taking it very well.  He’s the only thing on my mind a lot of the time.  I know that these wounds will someday heal.  I just wish that would happen sooner rather than later. 

Chris and I went away for a week after “Tiny” was born.  Chris had to go down to GA for work training and I was allowed to tag along.  I just wanted to take the time to take it all in and try to figure out where we go from here.  I missed my kids like crazy, but it was a much needed break.  I spent most of my time stuck in the hotel room with nothing to do but think.  This maybe wasn’t the best idea.  I think it was still too early for me to really be alone.  But ya live ya learn.

I have not had a whole bunch of contact with the A-parents during this month.  A few texts here and there and some pictures.  It’s just hard to talk to them.  I can’t explain it.  I don’t know if it’s the jealousy of wanting to have that so bad.  Or still the hurt of knowing what I had to do for him.  I know that they (A-parents) are very excited about having a new baby around and it just feels so weird talking to them.  Not knowing what to say when I’m still so hurt.  I want our adoption to be as open as possible; I just don’t think I’m mentally ready for that just yet.

On another note, I have decided that I am going to go to cosmetology school.  I just figured we went through with the adoption to give “Tiny” a better life, so we should try to better ours too.  I was hoping to start school this month, but it’s really just wasn’t in the cards.  I will get there though.  Chris’s job had now decided that they’re going to be sending him out of town a lot now, and I really don’t like that.  We’ve never had to spend time apart and this weekend it was only for 1 day and 1 night and I swear it about killed me.  I missed him like crazy.  But now they want to send him away for 2 whole weeks.  I have no idea how I’m gonna be able to handle that one. The kids are already hard to handle with 2 parents here.  I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be with it just being me here.  So not looking forward to it at all.

So … to sum it all up, month 1 has not been fun at all. Hopefully it will start to get easier soon.  I don’t sit and cry EVERYDAY now.  But it’s still very often.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about “Tiny”.  But I know that he is being very well taken care of, and that if I need to talk to his A-mom at any point, she will be there.

Until next time …

Kristy!!