Anger ...

Today is one of those days where I just wake up angry at the world.  Angry with myself, angry with God, and angry with our decision.

I have these days often anymore.  I don't want to get out of the bed.  All I want to do is just sleep the pain away.  Why did this have to happen?  Why do I have to feel such pain?  I find myself asking God what it is that I am supposed to learn from all this but still .. NO ANSWER!!!

I miss "Tiny" so very much, and I know that I didn't spend much time with him while he was on this earth but I spent 9 months getting to know him.  I had the feelings of him moving in the middle of the night.  I got to feel those first hiccups.  I want that back.  I want to go back in time and fix everything.  Make it to where this didn't have to happen.  I know that this is not possible.  But I have yet to figure out how to turn these feelings off. 

And now I have started to get the negative comments.  How could you do that?  You should have parented that Child not just gave him away.  WTF is wrong with people.  So you would rather me have brought him home, where keep in mind I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old, and give him what kind of life?  If you didn't already know diapers and formula are expensive.  And that's just some of what a baby needs.  What about time?  I'm struggling as it is to be able to evenly spread my time out between my other 2 kids.  And 2 very jealous kids at that.  They can't stand me spending time with the other.

I know that what I did was right, but how dare some people to make me feel worse than I already do.  Who do they think they are?  I didn't do this because I didn't love him.  It's quite the opposite actually.  I loved him so much that I made the decision to give him a chance at a decent life. 

Anyway ... Now that I have ranted on and on, I guess I'll go for now.

Kristy!!