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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

"Tiny's" Birthday!!

Trying to think about what to blog about and I'm thinking it should be "Tiny's" BIRTH day story.

Thursday Sept 29th 2011:

Today is the day.  I've had NO sleep.  Going over this decision in my mind a million times.  Is this right?  Are we sure that we can do this?  I was to be induced at 5am.  And as usual I wasn't on time, but just a few minutes late.  Lol.  During the beginning it was just Chris and I.  While the nurse was getting all the machines hooked up and IVs put in, I had to explain to her that this was going to be an adoption.  Little did we know, she was an A-mom herself.  She told us her story and it made things a Lil bit better.  But not completely. My mom showed up at about 6am, right before I was to get my epidural and Pitocin.  During all 3 deliveries I have had both my mom and Chris in the room.  They don't actually get along all too well.  But they are both my rocks and I needed them there.  Chris is the one who will tell the nurse or doc off if I need him too.  Mama is the one that keeps people out of the room.

This delivery didn't take long at all.  I think it was about 8 or 9 when A-Mom and A-Dad showed up.  They greeted me with beautiful flowers that were all my favorites and a goody bag that had the most amazing chocolate ever, along with popcorn and "The Emperors New Groove".  Cool movie by the way ... If you haven't seen it ya need too.  Was not long after they walked out of the room that I knew it was baby time.  2 pushes and he was here at (If I remember correctly) 9:34am.

When I heard that first little cry it broke my heart.  During Delivery the doc asked if I would like him to be placed on my chest right after delivery and I declined.  I regret that a Lil today. :(  I just didn't wanna get too attached.  I know that may sound a Lil weird, but I didn't want it too hurt more than it already did. 

After delivery, My mom left the room so that Chris and I could have a Lil time to spend with "Tiny" before we introduced him to his new family.  We smiled, we laughed, but mostly we cried.  We cried for the things that we would miss.  All of his firsts that we wouldn't be there for.  And then ... It was time.

A-Mom and A-Dad came in to meet their new baby boy.  This to me was heart breaking.  Not because of the parents.  I just wasn't ready and I knew that.  But it was the right thing to do.  We fell in love with his parents and knew that they would be amazing parents to "Tiny" just as they are to their own son "B".  Anywho ... While they were taking their time to get to know him a Lil, I felt jealous.  Jealous because I knew that in 2 days, "Tiny" would be leaving with them and not me.  And then something a Lil weird happened.  His A-mom asked me if it was OK for her to breast feed him.  I was very confused by this.  I had no idea that you could make yourself produce milk.  I did say yes at first.  Eventually I changed my mind ... Mostly because I wanted to be able to feed him while he was in the hospital with us.  I didn't wanna miss anything.

I was to have my tubes tied that same afternoon so I was confined to my room until the surgery.  During this time I had a few visitors.  My A-Counselor showed up to see how I was doing and if everything was still a go.  And to be honest at that point I wasn't so sure anymore.  I wanted to take this Lil man home with me.  Even though I knew it would be super hard.  I wanted him with me.  Also the hospital social worker came by to make sure that things were going the way that I wanted them to go.  And for the most part they were.  A-Mom and A-Dad went home to give us some time with "Tiny".  I had my surgery and the rest of the night was kind of a blur.  I know that we spent a good bit of time getting to know "Tiny".  But that's about all I remember.

September 30th 2011:

I got woke up super early by all the doctor's and Nurse's taking my vitals and giving me meds.  Which super aggravated me.  I don't like to get work up.  I am not a morning person at all.  But finally I was going outside to smoke.  And I know its a bad habit but It was killing me. Lol.  Chris and I went outside to smoke and on our way back up I got a text from A-Mom letting us know that they were there if we needed anything.  I felt a Lil weird around them now.  I just didn't know how to act anymore.  I was in so much pain and they were so happy and excited.  It broke my heart even more.  Chris was to go to probation and really needed someone to take him.  A-Dad did this for him without a problem.  And I thank him for that.  I was supposed to have visitors on this day.  My dad was supposed to show up and I kinda expected my brothers to come see me as well.  Needless to say ... They didn't show up. And that didn't make it any easier.  I needed support and it was like no one was there for me.  When I REALLY needed them.  I did have one visitor though ... My brother's ex-wife.  Not even he could come and see me.  What is that.  But I want her to know that I appreciate her showing up for me.  I will never forget that.  Anywho ... While Chris and A-Dad were gone to probation.  A-mom and I went up to the room and got "Tiny".  I knew that I'd sleep most of the time, so she could have some bonding time with him.  After a while, I was ready to go back outside again and A-mom had some things she needed to take care of at the hospital.  When I finally made it outside there was A-mom bout to go back up the elevator but instead she walked outside with me.  We talked, we laughed, and we both cried about the situation.  It made me a Lil more comfortable with everything.  When Chris and A-dad returned we all sat outside on the lawn in front of the hospital just talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.  During this time my Lil brother texted to check on me ... Which made me forgive him for not coming to see me.  He and I also just texted about everything and nothing.  I called to see if my dad was going to come or not and as usual my phone call was ignored. Go Figure.  I wanted him to come support me so bad.  And I know this to be true, If it weren't for his wife he would have come to see me!  At least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

After A-mom and A-dad left my sister-in-law came to show her support.  When she left Chris and I had a long conversation about what we should do.  Keep him or not??  We thought very hard about keeping him.  What we would name him, how he would turn out.  Just things any normal person would talk about if they weren't considering adoption.  We were very confused on what to do at the end of the night.  We brought "Tiny" into our room and just spent time holding him, talking to him, and praying over the situation.  Asking God to point us in the right direction.  In the end, we knew it was inevitable.  This had to happen.  But it would be OK because his parents weren't going to keep him from us.  They promised!

October 1st 2011 (Placement Day)

This day was not a good day what so ever.  I had so many people coming to talk to me.  And I just wanted this day to be as peaceful as possible.  I guess that was too much to ask.  We got up and as usual went outside to smoke.  We got some of our things out of the car to get ready to be discharged and while we were headed back up stairs I got a text from A-mom again letting us know that they were there if we needed them and also asking if we'd like breakfast.  I knew that I couldn't eat but I made sure that Chris got something.  Lol.  Always looking out for everyone else.

When they came back with breakfast I was doing my make-up trying to at least make myself feel a Lil better.  Needless to say that didn't work and turned out to be a big waste of time.  The A-Parents had things they needed to take care of before placement and I knew I needed to go outside again.  When Chris and I finally made it downstairs ... There they were, His A-parents, their attorney, another attorney, and the witness.  My heart dropped when I stepped off that elevator, and the tears started.  I wasn't ready, I wanted to go back 2 days and spend more time with "Tiny" and a piece of me was still wanting to say NO STOP, I can't do this.  They all went upstairs and Chris and I still went outside.  We talked and talked making sure that this was the right decision.  We cried and said this is what we have to do.  There's no turning back now.  We know that he will have a much better life with them than we could ever give him.  I called my mom and cried with her for a while and then it was time.  I cried the whole way back to the room.  We were joined by an attorney and the Chaplin from the hospital as a witness to sign the papers.  As they were read to us, all I could think was no I can't.  Please God make things work out so i don't have to do this.  Before we signed the very last line, Chris asked to stop and asked that the Chaplin pray with us before we did it.  He did and then we both signed the papers together at the same time.  We were united in this decision.  But now it was over and he belonged to them.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had been crying all morning and now it was worse.  I couldn't handle this ... My son was leaving the hospital today and it wasn't with me.  Honestly, I just wanted to die.  I didn't want to feel this pain.  No one should have to do this.  It was time, It was time for both "Tiny" and I to be discharged.  I held him for a few moments and Chris did as well and that was it.  I was to go home without this Lil man and I knew I wasn't ready.

To Sum It Up:

Yes, we did have our doubts during this whole experience and yes it was a very painful one and still to this day it hurts like hell.  But We know that in the end ... Keeping him would have been selfish.  We can't give him what he needs and we have no doubts that his parents will give him the world and more.  So to them I'd like to say Thank You!!  Thank you for giving this little man a chance at a good life.

Kristy Lee!!

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